


Bashfulness

by limjiaer



Category: GOT7
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, M/M, Unrequited Love, but not really, its barely there, no one dies, one or two markjin interractions, the sliGHTEST ANGST, whats the point in writing a fic if theres no markjin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 14:11:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16976058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limjiaer/pseuds/limjiaer
Summary: “Bullshit”, Jaebum stubbornly thought while he was coughing out the pale pink petals.





	Bashfulness

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, f*ck this trope, I'm suing myself for this.  
> Please, tolerate possible grammar mistakes

***

Jaebum was supporting a very drunk Jackson, holding the younger by the waist, while also trying not to collapse on the floor himself as they made way to their room.

Jackson dropped himself on Jaebum’s bed and refused to move to his top bunk and pulled Jaebum down next to himself. They wrestled playfully a little with Jackson giggling like an idiot. It was hard to say how exactly that happened, but still giggling Jackson ended up on top of Jaebum.

“I won”, he smirked at the older under him and Jaebum chuckled at that. Jackson wore that wide tipsy grin on his face, as he took both Jaebum’s hands into his, intertwining their fingers.

Jaebum didn’t even make any attempts to push the younger off, he was too drunk and it was taking a lot of effort to make the world around him to stop spinning. Jaebum was smiling absentmindedly at Jackson, his eyes barely opened as usual as he was doing his best not to doze off right now.

Jaebum tensed when he felt the other’s lips briefly grazed his own. He opened his eyes surprised as never, but the touch didn’t last long, because Jackson already fell asleep right on Jaebum, breathing evenly somewhere into the older's neck.

Jaebum felt his heart racing and the tried to calm down.

_What the fuck was that?_

He started coughing suddenly, and he had to push sleeping Jackson off him and ran to the bathroom. Coughing while drunk was a bad idea and he was about to throw up, which he did as soon as he leaned over the toilet. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand. He’s gonna look like shit tomorrow, why did he drink so much. Good thing they didn’t have any photoshoots, just practice.

 

He’s been coughing for a week already and everyone told him to visit the doctor for some medicine in order not to get sick. Doctor gave him a cough syrup and some cough drops. It soothed his throat a little, but it didn’t stop the coughing.

 

That’s when he first saw it. He was going to the bathroom and sleepily bumped into Jackson who was going back to his room. Wang gave him a warm smile and a pat on the shoulder and resumed walking. Jaebum was about to brush his teeth when he started coughing.

He thought he was hallucinating. Nothing else could explain why he just spit out a flower petal into the sink. He rubbed his face with both hands and rushed the water, flushing the spit away. He needed to sleep more and maybe have some stronger medicine because he seemed to still be getting sick.

 

It happened again very soon. They were in the middle of a show recording, when Jaebum felt tickling in his throat, he tried to cough discreetly not to interrupt anyone, but it didn't help. Something seemed to stuck in his throat and he couldn't cough it out. Probably that's how cats feel when there is a particularly big bundle of fur they swallowed. He caught two concerned glances from Jinyoung and Yugyeom, who sat near him. He shook his head indicating that he's fine and gestured that he'd be right back and sprinted to the bathroom. He heard Jackson saying something like "typical Jaebum-hyung" and others laughed and made agreeing noises.

Jaebum finally managed to cough out whatever was in his throat and his eyes widen. In the clean white sink was a pale pink flower petal. Again. Jaebum shook his head and closed his eyes tightly, hoping that the petal would be gone, when he opened them. No such luck. Nothing ever worked for him.

"Am I going insane?" he muttered to himself.

"Jaebum-hyung, is everything alright?" Jaebum jumped in place, when he heard a knock and then Youngjae's concerned voice.

"Yeah, I'm coming in a second", he told the younger and quickly opened the tip to wash the petal away. He'd deal with this later.

 

It started to happen more frequently. He had to excuse himself to the bathroom several times a day, though the others seemed not to get too suspicious about it, they probably thought that he's still sick. Jinyoung insisted he visit a doctor again, but Jaebum knew that cough syrups were not what he needed and he didn't want anyone to know he visited a psychiatrist. He really hoped that he wasn't going insane, him seeing the damn flowers was the only thing that changed and whatever they were, he hoped they'd stop soon, though it only kept getting worse.

 

Jinyoung watched him as Jaebum entered the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. Jaebum didn't see Jinyoung's face but he just knew the other's eyes were on him.

"Can one of my two favorite hyungs lend me a phone charger?" Jackson peeked into the kitchen making puppy eyes at them.

"I'm not lending you anything, you never give stuff back", Jinyoung told him, resuming scrolling something on his phone.

Jackson turned to Jaebum, giving him his best "please, hyung" face.

"Well, you do never return anything", Jaebum agreed, making Jackson roll his eyes and pout.

"I'll ask Mark then, he's my only friend here", Wang stuck his tongue out to mostly Jinyoung and was now calling Mark's name while walking to the elder's room.

Jaebum started coughing and Jinyoung's eyes were on him again. There seemed to be a particularly big lump in his throat and he bent in half coughing hard and wet. Jinyoung slapped him on the back and Jaebum managed to spit it out.

"Thanks", he told Jinyoung, trying to catch his breath. When Jinyoung said nothing, Jaebum lifted his head to look at him. There was an alarmed expression on his friend's face and when their eyes met, he pointed at the table. Near Jinyoung's cup was not one, but three flower petals.

"What is it?"

It took a moment for Jaebum to process that Jinyoung was actually talking about flowers.

"What do you mean? You can see it too?" Jaebum stared at him in disbelief.

"What the fuck, Jae, of course I can see it!" the younger raised an eyebrow at his friend.

Jaebum brushed his hair back from his forehead in a nervous gesture, "I thought I was hallucinating, but now I'm not so sure about it..."

"Wait, you don't know what's happening to you?" Jinyoung asked and Jaebum just shook his head in response. The younger frowned, "You have Hanahaki disease"

"I have a what?"

"Well, I only heard about it, because it's quite a rare one", Jinyoung looked at the petals still lying on the table with a mix of disbelief and curiosity, "But when you suffer from unrequited love, you start coughing out flowers"

Jaebum wasn't sure if Jinyoung was trying to prank him or something, but it wasn't funny to him not even a little, there was something weird going on with his body and he had no time for jokes.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No", Jinyoung looked at him dead serious, but Jaebum still refused to believe him.

"Still sounds like bullshit", he said.

"Yeah, but no one coughs flowers out of nowhere", Jinyoung replied crossing his arms on his chest, "So all this time that we thought you were sick, you've been choking on flowers. And you didn't even think about going to doctor?" the intonation changed to the one mothers use to point out how stupid was what their child did, and Jaebum wanted to roll his eyes.

"I thought I was imagining them, and how would I look if I suddenly tell the doctor that I see that I spit out flowers?", Jaebum cringed.

Jinyoung hummed probably agreeing that it would've caused unnecessary troubles.

"So, now that you got time to fall in love with someone, you better find time to tell that person about it", Jinyoung said and continued, before Jaebum could say anything, "If they return your feelings, the flowers will go away"

Jaebum wanted to say that he's not in love, but asked another question instead, "And if not?"

"Well, I only heard about the disease, I'm not an expert, but..." Jinyoung hesitated a little, "The flowers would probably choke you to death"

 

Jaebum didn't believe a word about it. Jinyoung wouldn't prank him like that, but what he told him seemed at least impossible. The leader spent the whole evening trying to search for some information about it. There wasn't much really, the majority of it in Japanese, but he still managed to find something.

One website, which looked like it was designed by a twelve-year-old, told him that Hanahaki disease indeed occurred when a person falls for someone who doesn't return their feelings, and the frustration or sometimes denial caused the flowers to appear.

Some sites said that flowers were to help people realize they fell in love. That's why flowers would appear, when person you liked was around. And it seemed that the only way to get rid of flowers was that the person you love returns your feelings. The other scenarios were not very bright, because if feelings remain one-sided, flowers would cause death.

Jaebum closed his laptop and rubbed the bridge of his nose in annoyance. What he'd just read sounded a lot like some tale parents could tell their kids. His mom used to tell him that if he lied, the fairies would steal his tongue at night. And his tongue was still where it was supposed to be and he still didn't believe in fairies. He also didn't want to believe in that stupid disease. What's next? Ghosts and Santa are real too?

***

"I learned some things about your condition" Jinyoung sat near Jaebum on the floor and joined him in stretching before practice. He sounded a lot like a doctor and Jaebum absentmindedly thought that he would've looked good in a white robe, if he didn't become a singer. Though Jinyoung once said that he would've rather become a kindergartener. Jaebum didn't react, but Jinyoung ignored it and continued, "The flowers activate when the person you like is close to you or sometimes when you think about them, so they kinda help you realize you're in love”, but Jaebum already knew that, “Also it's contagious so don't cough on anyone and it would be good if no one drinks from the same bottle as you for the sake of their safety. Bad news, I still haven't found where the disease is treated or if there's a cure, so you better confess soon"

"I'm not in love", Jaebum blurted out immediately.

"The flowers say otherwise", Jinyoung held the glare Jaebum gave him. Jaebum could use it on others, but not him, he was immune, "Listen, I'm not asking you to tell me who is it. I just want you to sort things out and probably help if you need it"

Jaebum didn't want to be an ass. It was still hard to believe that he had some rare illness with quite weird symptoms, but it wasn't a reason to push Jinyoung away. He just nodded in reply, though Jinyoung seemed quite satisfied even with such answer.

"Oh, and if you really don't know who is it, the thing is that you cough flowers, which your crush likes", he dropped before leaving Jaebum to finish stretching alone.

This didn't help even a little.

***

“ _Bullshit_ ”, Jaebum stubbornly thought while he was leaning over the toilet coughing out the pale pink petals.

His throat hurt but they kept going out till he had tears in his eyes and was completely out of breath. He sat on the cold bathroom floor trying to calm down. Why was it supposed to happen to him out of all people? _“Because you repress your feelings and have not one but two sticks up your ass_ ”, Jinyoung’s voice echoed in his head. He did tell him something like that not long ago. Jinyoung, who had three sticks up his ass himself, called him emotionally constipated. This was bullshit, as well as that fucking non-existent unrequited love disease.

He really wished he was just going insane and hallucinating, at least it would've been a believable explanation. But Jinyoung saw the flowers too, and two people can’t go insane together at the same time about the same thing. Unfortunately.

***

Jaebum was surprised when he noticed it. At first he wasn't sure whether it was a coincidence or not, but it kept happening again and again, so once you notice it, it becomes pretty obvious and he wondered how he didn't see it right away.

It was Jackson. Jaebum observed their interactions for a while and came up with a quite discouraging conclusion. The tickling in his throat started every time the younger was around, when he was touching Jaebum and talking to him. It sounded insane and Jaebum needed some time to come to terms with the fact that the reason for him being sick was Jackson.

Jaebum really meant it when he told Jinyoung that he wasn't in love. He was sure about that even now. He wasn't in love, the disease got it wrong. He'd admitted that he had a crush on Jackson long ago. Who wouldn't fall for that charming smile? The admiration the younger held towards Jaebum didn't help the case either and Jaebum couldn't help the warm feeling in his chest every time Jackson gave him heart eyes. The cherry on top was the fact that Jackson was in possession of a really hot body. He looked like a dream and Jaebum was thirsting for him for quite some time. It was hard not to, once you see these gorgeous thighs and muscular back, you just can't stop thinking about them. So yes, he had a little crush, but that was it. Nothing more.

Though the flowers, which he just coughed out while thinking about Jackson, thought otherwise. Jaebum stared at them hatefully. They couldn't be right.

***

This was getting ridiculous. As soon as he thought that it might be Jackson, the flowers doubled in the amount. He was coughing them out in the middle of the night, in the morning they woke him up even before the alarm, he coughed while brushing teeth, in the middle of having his coffee, several times during the day, in the evening it was getting particularly hard, and before he fell asleep.

Jackson sharing a room with him wasn't helping at all. He couldn't stop thinking about him, because he was right above him on the top bunk snoring quietly. He was waking up to the sight of Jackson stretching lazily before going to the bathroom or Jackson digging through his clothes trying to find a t-shirt that suited his today's mood.

Jaebum was doubting his every emotion, every glance he gave Jackson, every brush of his fingers against Wang's shoulder.

He still found Jackson unfairly attractive. He was so gorgeous it physically hurt. His thighs and finest ass in tight pants, which he only wore to events, preferring the comfy sweatpants in all other times, made Jaebum's breath hitch. Jaebum could watch Jackson working out for hours, not tearing his eyes away for even a second from how Wang's back muscles flexed under that black tank top. Jaebum was also sure that Jackson's strong hands would really look great wrapped around Jaebum's throat or his d... Anyway, he got distracted and shook his head to get rid of the vivid images or else he would get hard in the middle of practice.

He still thought about that one time drunk Jackson almost kissed him, and he wished they could do it when they're a little soberer. Jackson's love for getting naked whenever he had a chance wasn't adding to Jaebum's well-being. But till that moment he was coping just fine with that problem. Now he had another, which was much more difficult to cope with. Thirst was one thing and feelings were an entirely different one.

 

It was like he now saw himself from the side. He noticed that he let Jackson get away with a lot of things, in any other case he would get furious and beat the shit out of the one who got him mad. But not Jackson. He noticed how he laughed like an idiot at the stupidest jokes Jackson made. It was like Jackson breathed and here Jaebum was dying from laughter. Jaebum NEVER flirts. It just wasn't his style and he didn't really know how to. But again Jackson only had to say anything remotely playful to him and Jaebum would try to flirt back if he didn't get too flustered, of course. Jackson was getting the most physical contact from him, he was clingy and Jaebum didn't seem to really mind, especially if they weren't in front of cameras. Though all these things weren't the worst.

Jackson came home drunk. Jaebum knew he went out for a drink, but Jackson seemed to have quite a few, because he was holding onto the doorframe trying to focus on something and make the room stop spinning.

"Jaebum-ah?"

JB let it slide, like he always did with Jackson.

"I see you had a great time", he smirked at the younger. It was amusing to watch Jackson giggling and the next second rubbing his temples to stop the dizziness. Jaebum got up and helped Wang to the bed. Jackson fell happily onto Jaebum's bed and hugged his pillow.

"No, Jackson, this is my bed", Jaebum poked the younger's shoulder, urging him to move.

"I’m from a communistic country, I don't know what you mean"

"You're from Hong Kong, we’re in Korea and you have your own bed", Jaebum chuckled, watching Jackson's face forming a pout.

"It's too high, I'm gonna fall down", he wiggled away from Jaebum's hand on his shoulder, "And I would probably puke on you"

That argument seemed valid enough for Jaebum and he just sighed and let Jackson be.

"Fine", he said.

"Hyung~", Jackson whined before Jaebum could climb on the top bunk, "Please, bring me water, I feel like a mummy already"

Jaebum groaned, but still ruffled Jackson's hair in the affectionate way and went to the kitchen. Jackson accepted the bottle with infinite gratefulness and wiggled out of his jeans throwing them somewhere on the floor together with his shirt. Jaebum forced himself to look away and not to stare while pulling the covers on already half asleep Jackson.

"Hyung's so caring", Jackson mumbled when Jaebum picked up the younger's clothes, folding it neatly to put on the chair, "I should probably date you so you would care of me like that all the time"

"Sleep", Jaebum shushed him, feeling his cheeks heating up.

Jackson smirked and hugged Jaebum's pillow tighter. Jaebum climbed to the top bunk and tried to make himself comfortable, which turned out to be impossible, because Jackson's natural scent mixed with his perfume and shampoo was surrounding him and driving insane, and Jaebum regretted that he didn't even took him pillow from Jackson. _Idiot_. He was too caught up with tucking Wang in to think about anything else. He tried for another couple of minutes and then gave up and went to sleep on the couch in the living room. His back would probably hurt like hell, but at least he would actually sleep for some hours.

Jaebum knew he was whipped when he brought Jackson hangover pills in the morning. Despite that this little shit came home late very drunk and took his bed, making him sleep on the couch, which felt like torture, Jaebum also made him tea and brought it to sleepy Jackson, who was sitting on Jaebum's bed, wrapped in the blanket and hugging Jaebum's pillow.

"Thank you, hyung", Jackson's voice was raspy from sleep and probably after yelling last night, and he gave Jaebum the brightest of his smiles, while accepting the cup of hot tea.

Jackson's face was puffy and he had a mark from the pillow on his cheek, but Jaebum thought he looked adorable like that and he blushed when Jackson thanked him.

No matter what he said, he liked to take care of Jackson. Probably it made him feel that Jackson needed him and gave him some hope that maybe there was a tiny chance that Jackson could like him back. This time he didn't cough any flowers, when Jackson smirked at him again and touched his hand.

 

Jaebum was choking on pale pink petals coming out of his throat. He thought that maybe they’re slowly coming to end because the last two days had been surprisingly okay, but now flowers were back again and were killing him with double force. He wiped his face with a towel and looked at his reflection in the mirror. His forehead was sweaty, and his face was pale, which made the shades under his eyes stand out even more. That wasn’t a look of a happily in love person. He wasn’t glowing from inside or some shit like that, which people liked to write about in books. He was sick. Obviously.

This time he started coughing while watching Jackson clinging onto Mark, unsuccessfully mooching the cuddles from the older.

“Hyung, I’m hungover and need special care”, Wang whined.

“It’s your fault, you should’ve drunk less”, Mark rolled his eyes.

He wasn’t a morning person, but today for some reason he seemed especially not in the right mood. Eventually, Mark gave in, because trying to stop Jackson was like trying to stop a moving train, and let Jackson wrap hands around his waist and make himself comfortable. Jaebum felt his pulse increased and like there were butterflies in his lungs, which were insistently trying to fly out of him, and he had to run to the bathroom.

He was jealous. The realization hit him like a toy hammer on the head, making him feel defeated and really stupid.

 

He wondered why didn't he see it earlier? He was so obvious and yet no one seemed to notice anything, not even Jackson, and not even Jaebum himself till that week. He was still in doubt, but mostly because he thought that as soon as he admits it to himself, there's no way back.

 

He was so grateful for Jinyoung, who’d been making up excuses for him every time he rushed to the bathroom or started coughing. Jinyoung was also the one, who helped him to hide the flowers, which were increasing in the amounts. Jinyoung was his best friend, and he was a good person, no matter what he was trying to pull on himself and how hard he tried to convince others he wasn't. He was helping him a lot, but Jaebum knew too well, that there was a limit of his patience, because, to be fair, Jaebum did nothing to somehow make himself feel better. Jaebum knew it, but convinced himself he just needed more time. He knew too well, that it was his own problem and he shouldn't've dragged Jinyoung into it, but he couldn't cope with it on his own. Others were starting to get concerned about him too, because he was getting more and more sick, but all his health tests didn't show anything unusual. He wondered how long would it take for Jinyoung to run out of excuses for everyone.

But he didn’t want them to know. Firstly, he didn’t want to worry anyone, but what was more important, he was ashamed. He wasn’t ashamed of being in love, and he surely wasn’t ashamed of being in love with Jackson. He was ashamed of not being loved back. He felt like a loser, but he wouldn’t tolerate anyone’s pity about it. Just how he didn’t want pity about him slowly getting more and more sick.

 

One late night instead of working he googled flowers, comparing the recently coughed out petal with the ones on the screen. It didn't take him long to find his flowers. Peonies. Beautiful, soft and a little pretentious. His were the pale pink color and Jaebum, who didn't know shit about the flowers, at first thought that they were roses. The next site helpfully supplied him with the meaning of his flowers. Bashfulness. Absolutely great. Disgusting, but still a little cute.

 

Today they had a photoshoot. Jaebum was functioning fully on autopilot, he got up, woke others up, made sure everyone ate and got dressed, so they’d be there on time. He absolutely forgot about the concept and everything until they arrived to the studio. He heard Jackson’s excited voice as soon as he entered. Wang was holding one of the flowers, which were prepared for their photoshoot, looking at it fondly.

“What’s the fuss about?” Mark yawned, looking at Jackson grumpily, not sharing his friend’s excitement. No flowers could make him smile after he was forced out of bed in such ungodly hour.

“These are my favorite”, Jackson brought the flower to his nose and inhaled, closing his eyes in delight, “My grandmother used to grow them. Smells like home. And they’re pretty too, especially that shade”

Mark hummed, eyeing the flowers indifferently. Maybe he wasn’t a flowers person. Or maybe he was just craving sleep so bad he couldn’t find it in himself to feel anything this morning. Jackson, on the other hand, was almost sparkling and his smile was so contagious Jaebum felt his lips also curling into a small smile. He lowered his glance at the flower in Jackson’s hands and his smile faded. Held carefully between Jackson’s fingers, was a peony. Pale pink shade complimented Jackson’s skin and the white sweater he was wearing. Jaebum froze in place and couldn’t move too caught up in staring at the flower like it was a gun pointed at his head.

His last hope that he was mistaken about his feelings for Jackson faded away like morning fog.

There went the last nail to his coffin.

***

“Hey, does any of you has painkillers?” Mark asked.

“There should be some in the first-aid kit”, Jinyoung suggested from somewhere on the couch.

“We ran out”, Mark sighed, “I’m gonna go buy some, Jackson has a headache”, he added while making way to the door to grab his jacket.

“Wait, I’ll go, I took the last one and forgot to buy more, sorry”, Jaebum said and Jinyoung threw him a meaningful glance, that wordlessly said many things. _We need to talk. You have to do something. Did it get worse? If you don’t do something, I will. I’m going to slap you, I’m so done, I’m worried sick, you idiot_.

Jaebum got up from the couch followed by Jinyoung’s stare, which meant he’s not going to get away that easy and that they still gonna talk. Jaebum didn’t want to talk, because he had nothing to say to Jinyoung, that the younger would be happy with. Mark shrugged his jacket off indifferently, making room for Jaebum to put on shoes.

The evening air felt nice on his skin, cooling it down a little, and Jaebum inhaled with full chest, before pulling up his face mask. He didn’t know why he actually volunteered. Was it because it was Jackson who needed painkillers or he just didn’t want to talk with Jinyoung about the state he was in. The illness got worse. He needed to put extra effort to keep up with others at practices. His constantly sore throat required extra care and he was afraid of the moment when he wouldn’t be able to hit his usual high notes. He lost weight and looked exhausted. Makeup could mask this during events, but when he washed it off at home, he was met with the tired look in the eyes of his reflection and the dark circles under them, and he really was terrifying to look at.

He knew Jinyoung could see it all. The others were clueless about the nature of his exhaustion, but Jinyoung was aware and Jaebum knew his friend was getting more and more worried, so it was a question of time for Jinyoung to confront him. Jackson was probably getting suspicious, because Jaebum stopped sleeping with him in their room, preferring the couch in the living room, which made his back hurt in the morning, but at least it was easier if he saw Jackson a little less. Recently he found a new way to avoid Wang, which was staying late in the studio and then just dozing off on the couch there, which was just a little bit better than the one in the living room, but still not good enough for his injured back.

At first, the flowers did calm down a little, but then they were back and with an alarming change. He started coughing out blood too. When it first happened he just stared at his hand in disbelief like the first time he coughed out a flower. Now the petal he just coughed out had drops of blood on its edge and it surely wasn’t a good sign. He thought that avoiding Jackson was probably a wrong thing to do.

It was already hard enough to hide the flowers he continued coughing out, he was tired of taking out trash several times more often than he used to. Now he also had to hide blood from Jinyoung, which was especially hard.

He lasted three days.

"Hyung, you have a stain on your collar" Youngjae pointed to somewhere on Jaebum's neck. He unconsciously moved a little closer to have a proper look at it and his eyebrows raised, "Is that blood?"

Jaebum's face lost in color and it required a lot of effort for him to force a careless and collected expression on his features.

"Ah, I must've cut myself while shaving today and haven't noticed it", he tugged at the collar of his t-shirt, hiding the spot with his hand to make Youngjae stop staring at it, "I'll go change"

Youngjae nodded, satisfied with the answer, and turned his attention away from the leader. Jaebum got up and walked out of the room. He didn't see it, but he felt Jinyoung's heavy gaze on his back.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice that he was already in front of the drugstore. He quickly fetched the several packs of painkillers and some paper tissues, which recently became his number one essential, then wordlessly slid the card to pay for everything. He nodded at the cashier with a "thank you" and walked out. He craved something, maybe a cigarette or a beer, maybe ice cream or an ice americano, but each one of these things were banned because it either adds to his already sick skin color or ends his throat. Maybe he didn't want any of this and just wanted some quality sleep, which wouldn't be interrupted by sudden coughing fits, he wasn't sure. He was so tired of being sick, but he didn't know what to do. He was past the shocking realization phase, which turned into acceptance, and that was a good development, but he was stuck there not being able to choose how to handle the situation and move on.

Jaebum kept thinking about the possible scenarios of what could happen if he confessed. If miracles did happen sometimes and Jackson could return his feelings, they didn't have any future. They were both building their careers, they had dreams, ambitions and responsibilities, which they can't avoid. Jackson was torn between Korea and China, and he was busy all the time participation in one project or another. Jaebum was pulling a lot of behind the scenes work on himself, both for the group and his solo projects, sometimes practically living in the studio. Not to mention that they were both men, who lived in a quite conservative country and occupied in one of the most ruthless industries. It would take a lot of work and sacrifice for them to try to build a relationship and he wasn't sure they could make it. Jinyoung would definitely argue with him on that one as a person, who believed that everything was possible if you try hard enough. He had a point, and in his case it probably worked, but Jaebum had a more pessimistic view on things and he didn't have as much faith in himself. There were too much obstacles on their way and Jaebum wasn't sure that he was worth it.

No to forget that this scenario was quite improbable. Jackson could more likely reject him politely or not. In that case Jaebum's inappropriate feelings would ruin everything between them and bring the tension to interactions inside the group. He couldn't let everyone down like that and he hated himself for being a burden.

The scenario, in which he did nothing, wasn't a good option for anyone either.

There didn't seem to be any option, in which no one gets hurt. He had to make a choice.

***

“I did some more research and there’s a cure, that doesn’t involve your feelings being mutual. You need surgery”

“Surgery?” Jaebum repeated.

“Yes, an operation to extract flowers from inside of you. It's simple and painless and completely safe, if you wonder, or so the doctor said”

Jaebum looked at him unimpressed and bit his lower lip thoughtfully, something had to be off about this thing, he could feel it, “It can’t be that easy. Will I go blind or won't be able to sing or whatever?”

"No-no, nothing like that", Jinyoung shook his head, "There is one side effect though”, he hesitated for a moment before continuing and Jaebum noticed that, “you’ll never feel anything for that person ever again”

Jaebum froze in place, eyes wide as he stared at his friend with a mix of horror and anger. How could he even suggest such a thing, “I don’t want it”

“There's no other way. Either they return your feelings or you’ll choke on flowers and blood to death”, Jinyoung’s frown grew deeper, making him look a lot older than he was, “Just consider it, your disease’s getting worse, you need to do something”

Jaebum shook his head, “No”

“So you are ready to give up everything you dreamed about for nothing? To give up your life?!” _to give up me_ rests between them unsaid, but Jaebum knows it’s there. Jinyoung was scared of loosing him and Jaebum was scared of that too, but...

“I don’t want to do anything”, Jaebum also frowned and crossed his arms on his chest. He felt his chin extending and the anger slowly but steadily building inside him. He didn't want to let Jackson go. This feeling was all he had, it was part of him and killing it would feel like chopping off a limb. He needed Jackson like air and if it kills him in the end then so be it. He loved him and he was going to love him till his dying breath.

“Why?!” Jinyoung didn’t even notice he started to raise his voice, “Just confess, maybe they feel the same way!”

“He doesn’t love me back!”, Jaebum yelled, “and stop telling me what to do!”

“So it’s a he? Is this why you don’t want to confess? You’re scared that people would talk?”, Jinyoung started yelling too, the pulsing vein on his neck now visible, “But you don’t have any other options, this is serious, Jaebum!!”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“YOU’RE DYING, IDIOT!” yelled Jinyoung. His eyes popped insanely wide with fury and he clenched his jaw so hard it started to hurt.

“Fuck off”, Jaebum spits out and that was it.

Everything happened so fast he couldn’t even process it, Jinyoung yelled something inaudible and caught him across the waist with both arms, making them both fall over the back of the couch.

 

Mark and Jackson came back to witness the weird afterwards. The couch was turned over, cushions spattered everywhere, all other furniture was either moved or knocked over, the poor torchier, that had been through so much, was ruined, and there were small strange red stains on the carpet which weren’t there before. Jinyoung was sitting in the kitchen drinking something and staring with glass eyes at somewhere on the wall. He was calm and collected, the only indications of him involved in the mess were disheveled hair and clothes he didn’t bother to fix and ripped buttons of his shirt.

“What the fuck happened here?” asked Jackson, his eyes wide, “where’s Jaebum?”

Jinyoung put his cup down so the other two saw his lower lip was bleeding and gestured to the direction of the bathroom. Jackson sprinted there, while Mark fished out the first-aid kit.

That was weird as hell. Mark never saw Jaebum and Jinyoung fighting like that. They did have fights, but they only used words and it never was anything serious. He knew they fought a lot when they were younger before their debut as a group, but that was in the past, they were two grown men now. And Jinyoung was never the one for solving conflicts through physical strength. Something really shitty must’ve happened. They were acting weird for the last several weeks. He wondered what could’ve happened between them. He squeezed Jinyoung’s shoulder in supporting gesture and only now realized how tense the other was. He didn’t try to push the younger into telling him anything. Whatever it was, it was between him and Jaebum. So Mark just wiped the blood from Jinyoung’s mouth. The younger winced at that but let Mark take care of him for once.

Meanwhile Jackson pushed the unlocked bathroom door and came in. Jaebum was there leaning over the toilet and Jackson wasn’t sure if he was vomiting or just coughing too hard.

“Hyung?” Jackson called and heard Jaebum choking on a cough. His shoulders were shaking and he didn’t even turn around or said anything in reply.

Jackson ran to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of water, pushing it into Jaebum’s shaking hands. The older struggled to take a sip and then coughed more. Jackson gently touched Jaebum’s shoulder.

“Don’t”, Jaebum jerked away from the touch like it burned him.

He didn’t see Jackson’s confused and scared expression and he couldn’t even say anything, because he was too busy coughing his lungs out. It struck him in the middle of the fight with Jinyoung and he had to run to the bathroom not to leave any more stains on the carpet.

He regretted hitting Jinyoung in the face, but the other started first and jumped at him with the obvious intention of beating the shit out of him. The punch to the side and the slap on the cheek from the younger hurt like hell. His friend had a heavy hand and his regular visits to the gym only made punches from him more painful. They haven’t hit each other for years, so Jinyoung must be really pissed at him.

He felt Jackson touching him again, this time rubbing soothing circles on his back and whispering that everything’s gonna be fine and he’s here and he wanted to help. This time it didn’t make Jaebum cough more, on the opposite he felt that it stopped, and he was calming down. He reached for the flushing button and pushed it, so Jackson wouldn’t be able to see what came out of him. He didn’t need questions, which he didn’t want to answer.

Jackson helped him up and made him drink some more water and then walked him to their room, holding Jaebum by the waist, the older's arm on Jackson's shoulders. It was the first time Jaebum didn’t want to spit his lungs out, when Jackson was so close. Instead, he felt surprisingly good, like it wasn’t him coughing like he had tuberculosis just some minutes ago. He wondered what caused the sudden change. Maybe he was too exhausted and couldn’t cough anymore.

Jackson didn’t ask anything, but Jaebum couldn’t be fooled by that, Wang was surely going to ask a lot of uneasy questions later. But for now Jackson just left him on the bed, adding that if he needed anything, he would be near. Jaebum just nodded at that and dozed off almost immediately after his head touched the pillow.

Jaebum woke up in the evening feeling like he had the most terrible hangover in his life. His right cheek hurt right where Jinyoung slapped him, so was his nape, which collided with the floor when Jinyoung knocked them both over the couch.

The living room looked the same it always did, except the poor torchier. Jinyoung was lying on the couch reading something on iPad with Nora snuggled cozily on his stomach. “ _Cats always pick the part which hurts the most and lie there_ ”, flashed in Jaebum’s head. He always thought that it was bullshit, but the wave of guilt still washed all over him. He did punch Jinyoung there.

Jinyoung lifted his glance from the screen to look at Jaebum, and he probably didn’t like what he saw, because of the frown, which appeared on his face. Or he was still mad after their fight.

Jaebum couldn’t stand it when Jinyoung was like that. In the back of his mind he knew that the younger was just worried about him and that what he said earlier was sensible and showed that Jinyoung cared, but he would never admit it aloud. Of all people Jinyoung was the last Jaebum wanted to hurt and he regretted it a lot. He felt guilty and sorry, but it’d never been so hard to apologize, even about that one time before their debut when Jaebum ruined all Jinyoung’s shirts out of pettiness.

“Does it hurt?” he asked, his own voice sounding unfamiliar and distant.

“A little”, Jinyoung replied not looking away even for a moment.

Jaebum breathed in deeply and closed his eyes, “I’m sorry”

Jinyoung said nothing, still watching him, but the coldness in his eyes shifted into something more human. If anything Park Jinyoung was fast to forgive, especially when it came to Jaebum. He even forgave him about the shirts. He sat up and put the iPad aside, urging Nora to slide off him.

"You never came out to me", Jinyoung said, though there was no accusation in his voice, he just stated it as a fact.

"You're the first to know anyway", Jaebum replied. He still felt uneasy about it, but he didn’t wanna fight anymore, he was too tired, and Jinyoung wasn't judging him, of all people he would less likely to do that, "I waited for the right moment, but then I kinda lost the courage and decided it was unimportant"

"That's so like you", the corners of Jinyoung's mouth twitched upwards for a brief moment, but Jaebum still noticed that. He felt something inside him ease up a little, and he seemed to start taking full breaths only just now. Though he really shouldn't relax that quickly, because Jinyoung asked him one more question.

“Do I know him?”

Jaebum's heart dropped somewhere to the level of his gut. He hesitated. Jinyoung was fine with him being queer, he was one himself, but Jaebum didn't know what would the younger say if he found out Jaebum was in love with the member. It would affect the group performance badly, and Jinyoung had every right to be mad about it. He was afraid of what Jinyoung could say and do. He could feel the lump forming in his throat and tried to breathe deeply to calm down. His stupid crush could ruin their careers, his and Jinyoung friendship, which he valued like nothing else in life. But he couldn't keep it from Jinyoung anymore. He needed to know and deserved to know. It stopped being only his problem, when Jaebum let himself fall in love with one of the members and punched his best friend when he tried to help.

“It’s Jackson”, he mumbled looking at somewhere on the carpet. Jinyoung was silent. Jaebum lifted his head to look at the younger, waiting for him to say something, so he would stop panicking over nothing. Jinyoung didn't look shocked, he was more surprised that he didn't think about that before anything else. But again Jaebum kept all his feelings to himself and was hard to read, when he didn't want to be. Even for Jinyoung, who'd known him for years, wasn't obvious that Jaebum could be that much into Jackson. Though as soon as he knew, everything started to make so much sense, it'd always been there, he just didn't see it at first.

“But that’s good, isn’t it? He definitely likes you back”, Jinyoung raised an eyebrow.

“No”

“You saw the way he looks at you, right?”

“Yes, and I’ve seen him looking like that at ten more men. He doesn’t love me, he’s just crushing on me a little”, Jaebum thought about it over and over again every time he looked at Jackson. How he wished that Wang loved him back, but Jaebum was just a little more special for Jackson than others. Someone like Jackson would never fall for someone like Jaebum.

“You’re wrong”, the frown was back on Jinyoung's face.

“I’m not, you just want to believe it”, he wanted to believe it too. More than anything.

“Oh, sorry for loving you and hoping that you won’t die”, Jinyoung said bitterly.

Jaebum felt his face burning red with shame, “Sorry”, he said avoiding Jinyoung's eyes, “I’m just... it hurts and I’m scared”

Jinyoung felt a pinch on his heart. He was scared too, nothing good has happened so far. More than anything he hated being helpless. He didn’t really know what to do and what he could say to make it better, so he just pulled Jaebum in for a hug, “It’s gonna be alright”

Jaebum rested his chin on his friend's shoulder, relaxing in his arms. Right now he didn't really believe that anything could work out, but for some reason Jinyoung's words still gave him reassurance, which he so desperately needed.

***

They were in Japan for a couple of days and Jinyoung made Jaebum reluctantly promise that they would go visit a doctor, who studies the disease.

So after they were done with their schedule for today, they told the manager they were going to get some coffee and then managed to sneak out of the hotel, before anyone could tail after them. The doctor suggested they meet in a coffeeshop nearby and Jaebum was glad, he obviously preferred the relaxing atmosphere of a coffeeshop rather than going to a clinic. They sat in the cozy corner near the window. Jinyoung was drumming with his fingers on the table nervously while Jaebum was watching people at the street hurrying to their homes after the end of the working day. It was raining a little and Jaebum wished he had his camera with him, because the traffic lights gleamed nicely in the raindrops on the window glass and the several transparent umbrellas added some Japanese charm and complimented the picture. Maybe his phone camera would do. He was so caught up in taking a picture, that he didn't notice someone approached their table and only turned around when the person greeted them.

Doctor Takeda was probably around sixty and had quite defined wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. Jaebum thought that Jinyoung's eyes would probably look like that when he's old. Doctor seemed quite energetic for his age or he wasn't as old as Jaebum assumed. They shook hands and he sat opposite them, putting his cup of coffee down.

"I knew you were the one sick, when I saw you two", doctor said, looking directly at Jaebum, who thought he should rather be offended by that. He knew he looked like shit and he didn't need a stranger to remind him about it like that, but then Takeda continued, "Your friend would’ve probably already coped with that, he's much more direct. You, on the other hand, is closed and dreamy type”

“Your Korean is quite good”, Jinyoung complimented the doctor, before Jaebum could open his mouth and say anything. He already noticed how the older clenched his jaw.

“Thank you”, the doctor nodded, smiling, “I also speak English and Mandarin quite well”, he then turned to Jaebum again, “How long have you been sick?"

Jaebum swallowed the rude comments, which were about to fall from his tongue, and tried to sound nonchalant, "a little more than four months"

"How bad is it? Jinyoung-ssi mentioned that you started coughing blood"

"It started two weeks ago", Jaebum refused to look at anyone, studying a small black and white painting on the wall instead, "Till then I was just coughing flowers out"

"A lot of them", Jinyoung added and Jaebum barely held back the urge to roll his eyes.

"I see", doctor said, "Do you know why does the disease start?"

"Yeah, you fall in love and your feelings are one-sided and stuff", Jaebum muttered. There were many places on earth he would prefer to be at, rather than here, in his hotel bed sleeping, for example, like the rest of the members. This arrangement was useless and he really disliked the way doctor's eyes were watching his every move, like he was a sample under the microscope.

"Not exactly. It starts when you fall in love with someone and feel bad about it, because you think your feelings are one-sided", the doctor corrected him, "Flowers feed on negative emotions like fear, anger, jealousy, anxiety and all your insecurities"

Jaebum feels Jinyoung's eyes on him, but refuses to turn to him, looking at the doctor instead, "What do you mean by that?"

"Jaebum-ssi, you're a bundle of nerves and I saw it easily when I first looked at you", Takeda said and continued before Jaebum could interrupt him, "People like you are under constant stress and they tend to repress their feelings rather than learn to deal with them and constantly refuse help from others. Adding an unanswered affection towards someone becomes too much for you to handle and your body responds like that trying to help you"

Jaebum really wanted to say something, to object, argue that nothing of that was true, but unfortunately it was, so he just sat there looking at Takeda and trying not to do anything stupid like burst into tears. Takeda probably noticed that and his expression softened.

"Don't worry, Jaebum-ssi, everything's not that bad. If you confess to that person, the relief would ease your illness and help to sort everything out and the positive emotions would make the disease go away eventually. Or maybe your feelings are not so unrequited, you just think they are and worry over nothing"

"So you're saying that when you’re loved, but don't know it, you get sick all the same?" Jinyoung even leaned closer towards the doctor all hopeful about what doctor implied.

"Yes", Takeda nodded, "And the answer to the feelings will provide positive emotions and the flowers would disappear"

"And I don't need surgery?" Jaebum asked voice low, like he didn't really want to ask the question.

"God, no!" Takeda raised his hands and shook his head, "Surgery is needed only in really hopeless cases and right now you're not one of them. What you need to do is to work with your emotions and most importantly talk to that person"

Jaebum stared at the doctor. When he was told that he didn't need surgery, he felt the wave of relief washed over him, but now he was again where he started.

“And it won’t just go away on its own?” he asked.

Doctor looked at him and Jaebum figured it was probably a no.

“Jinyoung-ssi, if you don’t mind, may I talk to Jaebum-ssi alone?” the doctor asked.

“Of course”, Jinyoung nodded and got up from the chair. His eyes briefly met Jaebum’s and the older wordlessly asked not to leave him alone, but Jinyoung wordlessly told him to keep it together and that he’s near if anything. He gave Jaebum’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze and walked towards the bathroom.

Jaebum turned to the doctor, “what is that you want to talk about that he can’t listen?”

“Please, Jaebum-ssi, don’t be so defensive, I just wanted to give you a piece of advice”, Takeda said, “I figure that you’re a celebrity? An actor or singer? No, don’t worry, I never disclose my patients’ information. I just know that you work hard and there’s a lot on your plate, but, please, take time for yourself, if you go on repressing your feelings it’s not gonna end well”

Jaebum wanted to ask the last question, but didn’t really know if he wanted an answer to it.

“I will die if my feelings remain one-sided, won’t I?” he felt his voice cracking, but he decided to be strong whatever answer he gets.

Doctor didn’t flinch and looked directly at Jaebum.

“Right now you’re now dying”, he told Jaebum, “but once you cough out a full flower, it’s a warning, that you have one week left. Please, don’t wait until that, it gets harder for you with each day. The flowers continue to feed on your pain and fear and they try to mess with your mind. Your friend suggested you the surgery already?”

Jaebum nodded.

“Did you feel angry at him?”

“We fought about that. We haven’t fought for years. How did you know?"

“I've seen it all many times before", doctor sighed, "flowers are trying to protect themselves and that feeling inside you. The only natural thing to do is to open up to that person. It would get easier, trust me“

And for some reason Jaebum felt like trusting the doctor. Something in him was making Jaebum actually believe him, though Takeda was a total stranger whom he just met. He made the impression like he really cared and wanted to help.

“I’ll give you my number”, Takeda held out a white card, which Jaebum accepted after hesitating, “I really hope you won’t need it, but just in case”

“Thank you, Takeda-san”, they got up and Jaebum bowed respectively, “for your time and help”

Takeda smiled at Jaebum and he looked so much like Jinyoung, it was ridiculous, “I wish you luck, everything’s gonna be fine. And a good advice from an old man. Don't push your friend away, he seems to really care about you”

Jaebum opened his mouth to reply, but closed it, when Jinyoung approached them and also bowed to the doctor. They exchanged courtesies and Jinyoung walked the doctor to the exit. They said goodbyes and parted ways. Jaebum suddenly felt exhausted, like he was holding on for the past few hours on sheer anxiety and now its grip on his neck eased up and he felt how tired he really was. Jinyoung still haven’t said anything to him and didn’t ask about what they talked about without him, for which Jaebum was thankful, he wasn’t in the mood for any more discussions right now.

“I feel like I need a drink more than anything”, Jinyoung said and Jaebum smiled at him for the first time in a while.

“What are we waiting for then?”

***

Youngjae accidentally spilled his drink on laughing Yugyeom, adding points to BamBam’s amusement.

Tomorrow they had an early flight back to Korea, but no one seemed to care and they were getting drunk in maknae’s room. Jinyoung was in the middle of his third glass of wine and only now he seemed to relax just enough for a small smile to appear on his face. Jaebum was tired, lying on Bam’s bed and downing his bottle of beer. His head was empty and he liked it. Mark watched him and Jinyoung warily when they came back and were all down Yugyeom’s suggestion to get wasted. Now the older still threw them both glances, but he seemed a lot less concerned. Bambam made a joke about Jackson, and Wang manhandled him to the floor and the ticklish younger was begging for forgiveness almost dying from giggles. Yugyeom tried to annoy Jinyoung, who pretended to be deaf on both ears, Youngjae was in the middle of heated discussion with Mark over something. Jaebum watched them all and they made him feel so happy and very sad at the same time. He loved them all and treasured the connection they had. He didn’t want to lose it, and whatever happens he would do anything to keep it. Bambam chose that moment to jump over him, trying to escape from Jackson, which caused Jaebum to spill the rest of his beer on them both and the bed. Bam kicked Jaebum to the side, but then gracefully jumped over the other bed and was about to hide in the bathroom. Jackson wasn’t that graceful, he tripped over Jaebum and fell on the floor between the two beds with a not really manly squeak. That caused an explosion of laughter and Jaebum laughed with everyone until his cheeks hurt.

 

Jaebum said good nights earlier than others, he was exhausted and alcohol made him even more sleepy. Youngjae and Jackson pouted at that, but Jinyoung shushed them saying that they don’t want their leader to be all grumpy in the morning. Jaebum pretended to be offended by that, which caused another wave of giggles and then left them to continue having fun without him.

The feeling of sliding into fresh soft bed after a long day was in top three on Jaebum’s list of favorite feelings and he hummed contentedly burying his face in the pillow, ready to have some hours of good sleep. He and Jinyoung accidentally got a room with one queen-sized bed, but they were too lazy to ask to change it and stayed like that and they didn’t really cared if they sleep together or separately. And now Jaebum had the bed all to himself, while Jinyoung wasn’t there, so he stretched tastefully and sprawled himself across the bed.

He pushed away all thoughts about the today’s meeting with doctor Takeda, he would think about everything tomorrow. He heard a particularly loud laugh, which certainly belonged to Youngjae, only he could hit than high note and he was always the loudest when drunk. And when not drunk. Sober Youngjae could only be compared in loudness with sober Jackson, who became a little quieter and hundred times gigglier when drunk. Speaking of Jackson, Jaebum couldn’t hear his voice over maknae’s shouts and chirp. He even heard Jinyoung’s laughter, the kind which Yugyeom loved mocking so much. There were some cheering noises, then some movements and a loud thud as if something or someone fell hard on the floor, followed by a burst of laughter, someone’s screaming and Jinyoung’s annoyed voice. The leader was glad that there was an adult to deal with the mess and he didn’t have to get up.

Jaebum could sleep even under the bullets right now and the noises his members continued making were like a lullaby to him. He felt himself slowly drifting off and even started seeing a dream.

***

Jaebum woke up in the middle of the night because there was a dessert in his mouth and he desperately needed water. It was quiet which meant that everyone was most probably asleep. Jaebum rubbed his eyes and looked around, trying to find something resembling a bottle of water, but no such luck. He turned his head back to check if Jinyoung’s asleep but there was no Jinyoung. Instead he had Jackson hugging a pillow and snoring peacefully with his mouth slightly opened. Jaebum choked on air and jumped out of bed with lighting speed. Unfortunately, he and Jinyoung were too lazy to unpack properly in the first day and yesterday they were too busy with sneaking out unnoticed and then drinking, so they forgot to pack even a little and there were bags and stuff everywhere and Jaebum tripped over his luggage and stretched on the floor making a loud noise and cursing under his breath. Jackson jerked up in a sitting position looking around with wide eyes trying to make out what was happening. His eyes landed on Jaebum rubbing his hurt back and quirked an eyebrow.

“Why are you on the floor?” Wang asked eyeing Jaebum from head to toes. He looked sleepy and hungover and he barely registered what was going on.

“Why are you in my bed?” Jaebum got up and kicked his luggage angrily, which he immediately regretted because now he hurt his toes too. Jackson witnessed an exclusive show of Jaebum hissing and jumping on his one foot while rubbing another so it stops hurting.

“It’s a long story”, Jackson yawned, “but I’ll tell you, because it’s their fault I didn’t have other places to sleep at. Yugyeom and Bambam broke one of the beds in their room so Youngjae had to sleep with them on the other two. I told them they’re dead in the morning when you wake up and left them. I also saw Mark and Jinyoung making out in the bathroom and I thought that maybe they’d need a room later and I couldn’t go to our room with Mark, so I decided to sleep with you”

This was a lot of information for still half asleep Jaebum and he rubbed on his temples. He’s gonna kick some ass early in the morning.

“Forget about them and come here, I require cuddles”, Jackson spread his arms invitingly and stared at Jaebum. Jaebum didn’t move. Maybe he didn’t need sleep that much and could probably start his day. He looked at his watch on the bedside table, 3:40 am was glowing on them, and the check out was at seven. But sleeping with Jackson wasn’t an option, he didn’t want to start coughing out all of his inner organs.

“I need water”, Jaebum ignored Jackson’s invitation and looked around.

“Here”, Jackson grabbed a bottle from nearby bedside table and held it out to Jaebum. The leader drank half of it in one gulp. He stretched his hand to give it back to Jackson, but before he could remember that Jackson better not drink after him, Wang caught Jaebum’s arm and pulled, dropping the surprised older on the bed and immediately clinging onto him.

Jaebum squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the starting tickling in his throat. Jackson wrapped his arm across Jaebum’s waist and rested his chin on the older’s shoulder.

“I missed you”, he told Jaebum, “you suddenly stopped sleeping in our room, I get it you didn’t want me to get sick too, but I felt so lonely”

Jaebum’s breath hitched. Was he dreaming?

“Don’t you dare leave me again or next time I’ll find where you sleep and lie on you so you suffocate”, Jaebum’s eyes were still closed but he could imagine the pout on Jackson’s face. The corners of his lips twitched upwards at the thought and the flowers settled down. He tried to move, but Jackson’s grip around him tightened to hold him in place.

“I just want to get under the covers”, Jaebum chuckled.

Jackson let go of him but still held onto the edge of Jaebum’s t-shirt just in case. Jaebum pulled the covers up on them both and lied on his back, so Jackson could cling to him like a koala again, but Wang had other plans.

“I want to be the little spoon”, he told Jaebum, tugging at the older’s arm.

Jaebum couldn’t tell no to him and moved to lie on the side. He pulled Jackson closer, his chest to Wang’s back. His prayed that Jackson wouldn’t comment on how fast his heart was beating.

“You are warm and soft like a big teddy bear”, Jackson murmured, the smile obviously heard in his voice.

Jackson took Jaebum’s hand, which was on his stomach, into his and Jaebum forgot how to breathe, when Jackson intertwined their fingers. He didn’t feel that happy in months. Lying in bed with Jackson so close to him felt so right and calming, though Jaebum still breathed unevenly and was blushing like a schoolgirl.

A crazy thought flashed in his head. What if his feelings weren’t so unrequited after all?

 

The morning greeted Jaebum with someone banging at the door. He managed to get up and hissed at the dumb feeling in his arm from Jackson lying on it. Still sleeping Wang mumbled something about Jaebum coming back and it was absolutely adorable. Jaebum finally opened the door to reveal a noticeably creasy Jinyoung staring at the leader suspiciously. Jaebum remembered what Jackson told him yesterday and was also eyeing the younger with an eyebrow raised.

"I need a toothbrush", Jinyoung finally managed out of himself and walked in.

Jaebum closed the door behind him. Jinyoung fished a toothbrush out of his bag and fetched clean clothes.

"You...?" he didn't finish the question and nodded at the Jackson on the bed, but Jaebum understood what he meant.

"No", Jaebum shook his head, "But I feel a lot better"

"That's good", Jinyoung nodded contentedly.

“What’s with you and Mark?” Jaebum asked. He knew that Mark was probably just being his horny self again and Jinyoung was too drunk, and it probably wasn’t anything serious. It probably wasn’t, but Jinyoung did blush though he tried to act careless.

“Just two friends helping each other out”, he said, "Well, I don’t want to interrupt, but be down on time"

"Same to you", Jaebum scoffed at his friend.

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and slid out of the room. Jaebum decided not to waste another half hour and slid back under the covers next to cozy Jackson.

 

Yugyeom and Bambam paled, when they saw Jaebum entering the hall, where they all gathered. Youngjae was chill. Jaebum would never yell at him, even if it was him who broke the bed, he'd rather yell at the innocent Yugbam. But this time Yugbam were the ones who screwed up and there was no way for them to escape the leader's wrath.

"Which one of you little shits broke the damn bed? I swear I left you alone for once and then I get this! And then everyone asks why am I so stressed!"

Yugbam watched with a horrified expression how Jaebum's chin extended as Jaebum got closer to them, close enough to choke them to death or whatever comes to his mind.

"Jaebum-hyung!" Jackson yelled from across the hall, quickly walking towards them, "I found your phone!"

"Ah, thanks", Jaebum accepted the phone from Jackson's hands.

He thought he'd lost it somewhere, because he couldn't find it this morning. Wang gave Jaebum a billion dollar smile, Jaebum gave him a small smile in return and felt the flush on his cheeks, which he hoped the face mask could hide. He tried to remember what he wanted to say before Jackson arrived, but failed. BamBam watched the whole scene with his mouth slightly opened as he narrowed his eyes scanning the two, while Yugyeom moved his eyes from Jackson to Jaebum and back in utter confusion, but relieved that they were now safe. Jinyoung, who was also witnessing their exchange, found it absolutely disgusting, but still cute. The broken bed incident was forgotten.

***

Coming back home after Japan felt like waking up after having the best dream and having to face the ruthless reality again. Jackson went to China the day they returned and something in Jaebum's chest shank painfully, when Wang walked out of the door of their dorm with a bag over his shoulder. He missed him already. The flowers were not long to wait. He tried to distract himself with work, but it didn't really help, when he came back late at night to the now empty room in the dorm, the longing hit him hard. The jealousy followed right after. He probably shouldn't have looked at all the pictures of Jackson with other people, his colleagues and friends, whom he didn't know. Jackson was smiling on each one or making funny faces, hugging everyone on the shows he participated in, holding hands with strangers and flirting with them. Whatever Jaebum imagined that night in Japan was nothing but his fantasies. He saw what he wanted to see.

Jackson returned just in time to start working on their recent comeback and they didn't have time for anything except working, eating and sleeping, rehearsing and practicing the rest of it. Jaebum was barely keeping it together. He returned to where he started, every thought about Jackson brought a new wave of pain, just like before, as if there wasn't any periods of him feeling better. Jinyoung was still helping him and saying nothing, Jaebum didn't know if he was grateful for that or mad that his friend didn't try to put his brain in place as usual and just gave up on him.

***

The cough woke him up in the middle of the night. He gasped for some air, but couldn't get any, he tugged at the collar of his t-shirt and struggled to make even a small breath, but was suffocating. Jackson turned on the light and rushed to him. He turned Jaebum over, so his face was down and gave him a few hits on the back. Jaebum watched with blurry eyes how a few petals landed on the floor and he finally managed to catch some needed oxygen, but only to cough more.

"What the fuck is that", muttered Jackson reaching his hand to the petals, but Jaebum grabbed it before he could touch them.

"Don't touch", he managed out of himself and coughed again.

Jackson's eyes widen at the drops of blood on the floor. What could he do? What was even happening? He panicked, "I'll go get Jinyoung, just hold on"

Jaebum didn't answer, catching the glimpse of Jackson's bare feet disappearing around the corner. The next thing Jaebum knew was Jinyoung's hands lifting him from the floor. He watched the younger collecting the petals, his hands already in gloves, which were so like Jinyoung. Jaebum felt himself calming down, breathing getting easier, but his throat still hurt a lot. He was thankful that Jackson didn't like roses otherwise his throat would've been ripped with their thorns.

"You scared him to death, he's sleeping with Mark tonight", Jinyoung said, "also that's a hell of a lot of them for one time"

Jaebum didn't answer. He didn't want to strain his throat and partly because he didn't want to talk about Jackson. Jinyoung said nothing else and just took the petals to the trash. Jaebum hid his face in hands in desperation. He wanted this to end.

***

Jaebum accepted the bottle of beer from Jinyoung's hands, while the other dropped himself on the couch next to him. Jinyoung stared at whatever tv show Jaebum was trying to watch on mute and took a sip of his own beer. They stayed in relative silence, both consumed with their own thoughts. Jaebum was halfway done with his beer, when Jinyoung decided to speak.

"I know what's your problem", he said, "that's why I still didn't hand you over to him. Well, also because I'm a good friend too, but mostly because of this. I thought that you'd finally overcome it and man up to tell him yourself, but here we are"

Jaebum made another sip, "I don't have problems, I just don't want to...", but Jinyoung interrupted him.

"Jae, I have eyes and I've known you for years, you really think I can't see?"

Jaebum didn't like such talks and he didn't like where it was going. He already knew where it hurt, but the point was not to say it aloud, not to make it feel more real. Jinyoung probably had another point of view on it and he didn’t think about stopping. The older downed the rest of his beer, hoping that maybe the alcohol would make it less painful.

"You think you are not good enough and don't deserve anything, you think that everyone will leave you, because you're unlovable and not worthy, but that's not true and you need to believe it", Jinyoung put his hand on Jaebum's knee and squeezed it gently, "Open up for once and tell him how you feel and for fuck's sake stop over analyzing your every breath"

The younger finished the beer, "I'll be by your side no matter what, remember, but if you don't tell him, I will"

***

He'd been successfully avoiding Jackson for a week, throwing glances at the younger from afar, but running away as soon as he tried to approach. He spent time with Youngjae and Jinyoung and didn't come to sleep in the room he shared with Jackson.

Everything was going fine. He just didn't count on two things.

First was the reason for him crying yesterday on the cold bathroom floor, because he coughed out two handfuls of petals and wanted to die, so it would end his suffering, but after he had that thought he coughed for some more minutes chocking almost to death just to spit out a full flower. He stared at it. _Nono, it can't be happening_. The flower was lying in the sink and not going anywhere. Doctor warned him about that and Jaebum knew exactly what that meant. He choked on a sob and put his hand over his mouth not to scream. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks and he helplessly settled down to the floor. This was it. He had reached the bottom.

Second thing was that Jackson wouldn't let anyone avoid him. Jaebum already passed the limit, a week was a lot, and it was time for Jackson to make a move, which he did.

 

"If you are avoiding me because of what happened that night, then stop already, it's okay", Jackson cornered Jaebum in the hall. Everyone was in their dressing room and Jaebum was going there to join them, when Jackson caught him. They heard Bambam's voice, followed by Yugyeom's laughter, but no one appeared in the hall, leaving Jaebum with Jackson, who surely wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Not before he gets an answer.

"I'm not avoiding you", Jaebum refused to look Jackson in the eyes, the floor in the hall seemed much more interesting at the moment. Wang was having none of this bullshit and stubbornly stared at Jaebum, his face closer than the leader was comfortable with.

Jackson hated when people avoided him or ignored him, he preferred to solve problems directly and to be honest about everything, or else, he believed, the problems could turn into disasters, which would be too hard to handle. He didn't want it to happen to his and Jaebum relationship, something was already off for some time and Jackson blamed himself and was ready to do anything to fix that. If only Jaebum wasn't himself for a second and told him what it was.

"You've been acting weird for weeks and now you completely shut down from me", Jackson's expression softened and he hesitated a little, trying to pick the right words, "I know what's happening to you, I'm not stupid. And I want you to know that I'm not judging or anything, so you don't need to be embarrassed. I just want everything be back to the way it was. Why don't you trust me?"

Jaebum hated himself even more right now. He didn't think about how it all looked to Jackson and now Wang was probably mad or hurt, when Jaebum wanted him to feel neither of these. He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by a sudden coughing fit. It was bad, whatever was in his throat was huge. Jaebum rushed to the nearby bathroom away from Jackson and other possible audience. He was suffocating like that one night, unable to cough out the flower stuck in his throat. It was one thing to cough out just petals, but now it was about a whole-ass flower. A heavy hand landed on his back with a loud slap and so much force, he almost hit the sink with his face, but spit out the flower. Jaebum coughed some more, trying to catch his breath.

"Who is it?" Jackson wasn't Jinyoung, he was direct and didn't like dancing around, and he sometimes didn't know when to mind his own business, thought this one wasn't the case. It was all about him, doesn't matter he didn't know that.

"You don't know them", Jaebum leaned onto the sink. His forehead was covered with cold sweat, tears, caused by pain, ruined his eyeliner. There wasn't much he could do to mask the traces and act like nothing happened and he was fine, but maybe Jackson could help him a bit. On the other hand, Wang's presence here wasn't adding to Jaebum's wellbeing and he can have a fit in any second. Jackson wasn’t going to leave anytime soon and Jaebum probably should prepare for the worse.

"Liar", that felt like a slap to the face, and Jaebum thought he deserved a real one too, "Is it Jimin-hyung? Or Shownu-hyung? Or one of the members? Mark? Are you sick because he likes Jinyoung? Oh god, please don’t tell me it’s Jinyoung or someone from our dance crew”

"Jackson, stop!" Jaebum yelled and winced at the pain in his throat.

Jaebum risked to take a look at Jackson. Wang looked breathtakingly beautiful as always, his previously styled hair a little out of place, because he kept nervously fiddling with it. Jackson's face expression was a mix of anger, fear and something, which Jaebum couldn't quite put a finger on. Pity? Worry? Pain? Jaebum wanted to hold the younger’s hand and kiss away the frown between Jackson’s eyebrows, he felt bad for worrying another person, who was dear to him.

"Sorry", Jackson ran his hand through his hair, "But you don't seem to be handling it well and I want to help. Please, tell me, I won't tell anybody and I won’t judge no matter what"

"We need to go back to others, they must be searching for us", Jaebum mumbled, looking away, "And I need to fix my makeup"

"Fuck your makeup", Jackson crossed arms on his chest and blocked the doorway, "You have a serious problem and we need to do something about it. Why can't you tell me who is it? I thought we were friends. I used to tell you everything and then you started to have this big-ass secret and locked yourself from me!"

Maybe it was the right moment. Jaebum squeezed the pink flower in his hand. It was like trying to jump into the water from a high spot. It's scary and the more you look down, the less confidence you have. He knew he had Jinyoung to put him back together again piece by piece if all goes wrong, but the fear was blinding him and freezing him in place, so he stood right on the edge, but still didn’t make the last step. The only way is to just close your eyes and jump, not giving yourself time to think and hesitate. Jump and deal with the rest later. It was something what Jackson could say, and right now it seemed wise.

Jaebum closed his eyes.

"It's you"

Jackson opened his mouth as if about to say "I knew it", but closed it as soon as he processed what Jaebum just said. Jaebum still wasn't looking at Jackson and was unable to see all the emotions flashing on Wang’s face, quickly replacing one another.

Jaebum jerked from a slap on his left cheek, covering the injured skin with his hand, but before he could say anything, he felt Jackson's lips on his. Jackson was kissing him like his life depended on it. Jaebum’s life certainly did though. They jumped away from each other when they heard someone’s voice in the hall and then the door opened to reveal Jinyoung. He eyed the both of them, Jaebum’s leaked eyeliner and traces from tears on his cheeks and Jackson’s ruffled hair alarmed him. Then he noticed the foundation on their faces smudged around their mouths and his expression changed into relieved, and, as he overcame the urge to hug them both right here and right now, the teasing smile appeared on his face. He’s not going to let them live.

“We need to take a picture of us, so feel free to join”, he told them and left them alone.

Jaebum turned to Jackson again and noticed that Wang’d been staring at him this whole time.

“I almost had a heart attack that night”, Jackson told him, “I was ready to fight that one bitch who didn’t love you back, but turns out the bitch was me”, he chuckled and Jaebum chuckled too, “And just to clarify, I love you and the flowers can fuck off, you’re not going anywhere from me”

Jaebum’s grin was so wide his cheeks started to hurt.

“Sorry, I didn’t tell you earlier”

“I’m sorry too”, Jackson looked down at his feet, “I wanted to tell you that night we got drunk together, but I had too much and fell asleep before I could do it”

At first Jaebum didn’t know which night Jackson referred to, but then it hit him.

“You almost kissed me”, he watched Jackson’s eyes widen and his jaw dropped, “but then you fell asleep right on me”

Jackson hid his face somewhere in Jaebum’s chest. His cheeks were burning from embarrassment.

“Oh my god, I’m never drinking again”

Jaebum laughed at that and stroked Jackson’s back affectionately. Jackson nuzzled at Jaebum’s neck and wrapped his hands around the older’s waist.

“I’m an idiot”, Jackson mumbled.

“I guess we both are”, Jaebum agreed.

He felt so stupid right now. Turned out that all this time he worried over nothing. There were still a lot of things they need to talk about and a lot to decide and Jaebum needed to put some work into dealing with jealousy and other things. He probably needed to send doctor Takeda a gift, and he would never have enough time to repay Jinyoung properly for everything, but at least he wasn’t dying anymore and he can try.

Jackson lifted his head up and smirked at the leader. Jaebum caressed the younger’s cheek gently with his fingers. But first things first, everything could wait. This time it was Jaebum, who leaned in and kissed Jackson. Wang smiled happily into the kiss and it just felt so right.

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like there weren't enough hanahaki au fics with these two and this happened


End file.
